nov 5, morning of 3rd taxol chemo

Well I awoke early and crying as I usually do the morning of all chemos. ( I say I will not do this again but I do-everytime) usually then I go to the prayer chapel across the street to meet with God and His peace that is strong in there. I have felt like recent weeks this cancer has not been much of a spiritual journey but a mental one-reading book after book on cancer and how to survive it. Usually the mornings of is when I hear from God (it is probibly the best time He can speak to me -I am the most vulnerable and open and broken) and I was so encouraged once again this is not about me. I remembered the dream I had to go visit sick kids in the hospital with cancer, and how ruined I would be. I thought it would be along time off, just like everything else in this journey-but it is the opposite. It is more like warp speed, if I have eyes to see it. I will go soon to visit Logan, he is 7 years old in sacramento hospital, he is so sick that they are coaxing him out of bed to get up by a popscicle, he was diagnosed last week with Briketts lymphoma, he is in stage 3 of 3, he is my childrens classmate from school in redding. He is doing chemo for 6 months there in sac. I am broken over Logan, I feel broken inside when I think about this child I know going thru that much pain. This is as real as it gets. I am doing a fund raiser at the school all next week for the family. Then I am remided when I was 20 and went to a conference in Reno, and I recieved a prophetic word how many younger sister's lives I would touch for Jesus. Out of all my 10 chemo friends 99 % are younger than me. They want Jesus, they want prayer, every week at chemo we pray. Some are stage 4 , most are walking down a harder path than me. This ministry , these people, this venue God has placed me in, going to chemo each week, is as real ministry as it gets. These people are desperate for God, when I say do you want to pray they jump out of their seats. They know they wont make it without God. Tomarrow night I will meet with one of my sister's best friends since high school, this woman has been thru alot, she is 35, and she has an untreatable breast cancer. She will do chemo just like me, but after that the docs dont know how to treat her type of cancer. She has a young son. I will hold her and tell her she can make it, she is paralized by fear of the future and chemo. I remember being there and I will just hold her and tell her she will be ok.

2nd chemo

Well I am 3 weeks into my new chemo, Taxol, and it it better. I am still loosing weight and no appetite, but I am only down on chemo day, which is once a week. Then just tired for 3 more days, not really sick. So half the week I am starting to feel like a normal person, go to the gym, do real life. Then the other half of the week I do chemo, and am tired. I feel a deeper realization now about the cancer. At first I just was in shock, and then trauma from the surgeries. Then a little in shock from the hard chemo. I wanted to see the cancer as done on my last day of treatment, which will be
March sometime when I finish radiation. But now I feel like I have to change how I eat for life so that I don't have a reacurrance. Like diabetes, or a chronic disease, I have to change me so that I keep it at bay. So we have completely redone our grocery list, I am almost all vegetarian, eating beans, lentils, Bulgar, and fruits and veges. I will start juicing when I am able to drink the green stuff with out feeling nauseous. I have done alot of research and some interesting things that have proven so far as contributing factors have been the diabetic pregnancies, thyroid issues, and not eating so great. I didn't eat bad, I just ate American, now I eat Mediterranean.
Well each week I meet a new chemo friend and we talk and pray and it is incredible all the new chemo friends I am making, I really have a hard time keeping track of them all now. I would never have met so many interesting people if I were not on this journey. To that I can be thankful.

gloomy day

Well, Cyndi has been doing OK with the once a week treatments of Taxol. It doesn't take as much time for her to bounce back, three days instead of eight but when she starts feeling right again it's time for treatment,yuck!.
My mother Donna fell last week and due to the amount of times she overcame hospital episodes (she made cats jealous) I thought she would be home in a couple days and we would laugh about it in some sort of morbid fashion. But not this time, I got the call on Tuesday that she was unresponsive and had hemorraging in her brain. My siblings and I had to make the awful decision of discontinuing the efforts of the doctors due to a prior request of my mom. I went to Reno on Wednesday to say goodbye with my son Micah. After visiting her late that night, Micah told me that all he remembers were good times we had with her and that when he thinks of her being sick that another good memory comes in and takes the place of the bad one.
That's how it is supposed to be isn't it?It doesn't take away from the anguish, but it helps.
We got the call at 7 am on Thursday, she had passed. Staying at my sisters house we had gotten up early so we could get down to the hospital and my sister knew what the call was about. When I arrived at the hospital, my step dad Keith was reading the bible aloud over my mother, tears streaming,barely getting the words out, it made me proud that he was her partner these last couple of years. It was difficult seeing my sisters in such pain, but I had a peace that is difficult to explain. I know she is in a better place,dancing,not needing hearing aids, singing and waiting for us.
Thank you Mom,for all the love you showed me and all the good memories. Your son,Boo

last hard chemo and celebration photos week after

cancer support group

Yesterday, I went to my first cancer support group, it was a huge shot of reality for me. Very hard, but good. I was of course the youngest person in there, feeling a bit discouraged by this when I first walked in, but leaving feeling greatful that I was also the healthiest and mad more days left on this earth than them. The tall beautiful black oncology nurse who lead the group I think was a warrior angel. She was one of the most wonderful person I have ever met, she kept preaching to enjoy every moment of like, embrase every second you have , live life to the fullest, each moment is a gift, and unless you have cancer , you dont always see life like that, so in a way it is a gift we have been entrusted with , to choose life and life abundantly. The people were so supportive and encouraging. I feel so much better this week, so much freedom, I am not afraid of cancer, I am overcoming it. (that is all God's doing) I wake up from night and naps, my mind trying to make peace with the chemo that I hate. I wake up having soothing thought of chemo-it is so awesome how God's presence is there to help us thru this process of hardship making the rough rocky road smooth. Everyday before chemo I have anxiety (of course) but also a supernatural excitement and strength to get thru this next day of chemo. Thank you God.

3rd chemo with God

Well the night before my last chemo, I asked all boys to pray for momma, Ashton recieved his heavenly prayer language, so all 3 were praying in the spirit for mom to be brave at chemo, that made my whole day. CHemo, Lalenna was with me and we talked to every woman who would listen to us, we prayed for everyone who would let us. We prayed for a lesbian woman who should not be alive today, stage 5+, Lalenna told her the reason she is still alive is Jesus wants her to know how much He loves her and we invited her to bethel healing room. I prayed for my precious sister Gina who was to have surgery next week, she got the pathology report back doc said it was the best possible report she could get!!!Praise God for listening to our prayers. We prayed for a woman who has M.S. and passed around my Akaine art book (for anyone who doesnt know about her, check out her website, she is a girl who draws about heaven and Jesus-it is truly miraculous) I got out of myself and was about others at club chemo, I had such a grace, the 4 hours went by like minutes and when we left you could tell Jesus showed up, everyone , even the nurses were happy and people's blood pressure was down!!!Wow thanks God for showing up at club chemo. It was the best. Next day Micah went with us to bethel and danced with Jesus, he got a word of knowledge for a pastor there, and we drew pictures of heaven and angels about mommy's bed at night to remind her that she is ok. I can see God's redemptive hand turning this tragedy into a spiritual blessing for my whole family. Eric is different, more kind, compassionate, serving others. Elijah is walking in HUge faith, knowing everything will be ok for mom. Micah is turning his sadness into creative drawing and dancing. Ashton prays everday for momma "God let momma have a great chemo, let her have a fun chemo." (hehe) Jacob is so full of love and joy, we just turn on the worship music and he dances. I am so greatful , I was only down 4 days this last time after chemo. Ist x was 8, 2nd x was 6, now 3rd x was 4 days, hopefully tomarrow when I go will be less. The doc gave me steroids to make it thru the first 4 hard days, and it really helped with nausea and the doc says it makes you manic, so I was trying to extreme clean my whole house, I was like the family dog, Eric kept saying to me , go lay down Cyndi, go lay down. Well tomarrow is #4 hard chemo, the last hard one-yayyaya, I am gonna have a party next week when I feel better. Then I get a 3 week break of normality, I will enjoy every moment of it, then 3 more months of once a week chemo, (this is supposed to be an easier chemo) , followed by 61/2 weeks of radiation (just tired), I will be done with treatments the end of Feb.