Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I know its not always wise to expose personal feelings on the internet but it seems to be therapuetic for me. The beginning of this month was a real low for me, my mother had passed and Cyndi's treatment and subsequent emotional mood swings were draining me to the point of feeling dead inside. A couple of different thing helped turn the corner for me. The first one was mentioning in an email to one of my coworkers that I was ready for 2009 to be over and that at the time I was hating the year and what it meant in my memory (bad memories). Her reply woke me up, she told me that my family was on the minds and in the prayers of many people and that there was much too much life to live left in the year to write it off. She was right and I hope I thanked her for that (if not thanks L)
The other was being asked by my siblings to emcee my mothers memorial service. Being 9 years younger than my other siblings kind of made me an outsider because they were always older and in different stages of their lives. Their request somehow made me feel validated and honored at the same time. The memorial went great and I almost made it thru a whole paragraph before choking up. I was fine until I looked at my niece who was sobbing then I made the mistake of looking at the rest of my family and the tears flowed. Upon returning home I couldn't believe how exhausted I was, it felt as though I lived an entire life in one weekend. Not only did I experience my memories of childhood, I experienced memories of everyone who was there. I wish my family could get together like that more often but we're just not like that. We were raised to be independent,which is good but it has it's downside as well. It's just the opposite in Cyndis family, everyone's in your business whether you want them there or not. I have learned to love that in her family.
So what am I thankful for? Of course, the enviable beauty of my wife, who can frustrate me to no end and then melt me with a hug. My boys,whose resilience at this time in our lives make me so proud. I am thankful for my family of course. But words cannot ever be good enough to express my deepest gratitude to the friends (who I call framily,friends who are family) and family who have come down into the mud with my family just to support us. Some have freely come to stay at our house to help with whatever is necessary for days and even weeks. They all gave of their precious time to go to chemo,buy groceries,clean the house, provide hugs,take the boys to give them a mini-vacation and to just listen. You are truly special and I will be forever indebitted to you for your kindness.We are taught by God to be thankful for ALL things, not just the good, but ALL things.
So yeah, we have had a rough year,so what. We Love you all
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
March sometime when I finish radiation. But now I feel like I have to change how I eat for life so that I don't have a reacurrance. Like diabetes, or a chronic disease, I have to change me so that I keep it at bay. So we have completely redone our grocery list, I am almost all vegetarian, eating beans, lentils, Bulgar, and fruits and veges. I will start juicing when I am able to drink the green stuff with out feeling nauseous. I have done alot of research and some interesting things that have proven so far as contributing factors have been the diabetic pregnancies, thyroid issues, and not eating so great. I didn't eat bad, I just ate American, now I eat Mediterranean.
Well each week I meet a new chemo friend and we talk and pray and it is incredible all the new chemo friends I am making, I really have a hard time keeping track of them all now. I would never have met so many interesting people if I were not on this journey. To that I can be thankful.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My mother Donna fell last week and due to the amount of times she overcame hospital episodes (she made cats jealous) I thought she would be home in a couple days and we would laugh about it in some sort of morbid fashion. But not this time, I got the call on Tuesday that she was unresponsive and had hemorraging in her brain. My siblings and I had to make the awful decision of discontinuing the efforts of the doctors due to a prior request of my mom. I went to Reno on Wednesday to say goodbye with my son Micah. After visiting her late that night, Micah told me that all he remembers were good times we had with her and that when he thinks of her being sick that another good memory comes in and takes the place of the bad one.
That's how it is supposed to be isn't it?It doesn't take away from the anguish, but it helps.
We got the call at 7 am on Thursday, she had passed. Staying at my sisters house we had gotten up early so we could get down to the hospital and my sister knew what the call was about. When I arrived at the hospital, my step dad Keith was reading the bible aloud over my mother, tears streaming,barely getting the words out, it made me proud that he was her partner these last couple of years. It was difficult seeing my sisters in such pain, but I had a peace that is difficult to explain. I know she is in a better place,dancing,not needing hearing aids, singing and waiting for us.
Thank you Mom,for all the love you showed me and all the good memories. Your son,Boo
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
with no hair. I thought of how people were going to judge me and think I was a lesbian, because of how I looked, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then I started weeping and crying and repenting of how I have judged lesbians, and how the last year I have been asking God to show me how He loves them, that they are His children too. Then my thoughts went to a lifelong dream I have had to go visit children at a cancer ward, and how I could go do that in my 3 week break that is coming up in between chemo rounds. I could go to Oakland's children's oncology ward and just sit with the children, and say, "See, I have cancer too, I am just like you, I look just like you with no hair, and we can be brave together." and how this will just ruin me, and I will be on the floor crying over these precious children who have cancer. And then God spoke, and He said, "Cyndi, this cancer is not about you." I couldn't believe it, the biggest Awakening, the biggest revelation I have had in my whole life, this whole journey I have been on, has not been about me. It has been so that I could love people the way God loves them, I could have compassion for the sick and prejudiced. I could extent love and understand what cancer patients go thru, I went thru the worst, the hardest chemo, my hair falling out, being so sick, so I could experience the heart to love others going thru this also. I feel so different, so free, so over it, so overcoming now, like I can do this. I can go thru this to the other side, and God will use this for good, for me to love others. Last week I was telling Eric, I dont know if I can do this, it is too hard, too painful, I dont know. And now I am excited to see what God has in store for my life, visiting the sick children, going to Africa one day on a missions trip, loving the unlovely and the sick. I am so greatful to my Big God for seeing me thru this and taking me to the other side. Thank you Jesus.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Mighty to Save
Savior He can move my mountains
My God is mighty to save me
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of Salvation
He rose and conquors my grave
Jesus conquors my grave
Eric's theme song Lifehouse Broken
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
Like You have already figured out,
I am falling apart, I am barely breathing
With a broken heart , that is still beating
In the pain there is Healing
In Your Name I fing meaning
So I am holding on, I m holding on, I'm barely holding on 2 You
I am hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way
and I am hanging on to the words you say,
You say that I will be ok
Monday, September 7, 2009
I think the perfect meal for someone on chemo would be to have a cup of hot water,add 2 grains of salt and stir, plain crust-free wheat bread and red gatorade (at leeast in Cyndis case). Yes, I am keeping up a little humor, if I lose that I'll be done for.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Well, round 2 of chemo in and Cyndi headed over to Bethel for a bit tonight. Feeling ok to this point but the yuck doesnt usually start for about 24 hours so she's livin it up. We had a little pre chemo party with her new 'sisterhood' friend Janelle and her husband at the park on Thursday night which was alot of fun. All the boys tried on Janelle's wig which was a crack up as you'll see and Cyndi laughed so hard she cried. Her haircut looks so good on her short I am sure she will be even more stunning without any at all.
I will probably get in trouble in trouble for that last sentence-Eric
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Well I am finally writing about chemo. I just now feel good enough to do it. Well it is something you will never understand until you go thru it, and now I know. I really dont have words to describe how hard it was. The nauseau rolled in around exactly 24 hrs after and that wasnt as bad as the chemo brain, or headache. I was pretty much debilitated for 6 days. I would try to get out of bed, but that would last about 10 minutes. I am so greatful that my hubby packed and took me to tahoe. I felt so much better. We had an evening walking on the beach at sunset that I will never forget. My prince charming Eric took me away from all the pain of the last 12 days and we strolled along one of my most favorite places in the world. I felt humane again, I got such HOPE again. I really didnt know if I would ever come out of chemo pit, but I feel good today, on day 10 after chemo, thanks to much prayer and escape. I feel that with Jesus help I can face chemo again in 5 days, and now have the hope to know I will again come out of chemo fog. Thanks to everyone who made it all happen and all your prayers. P.S. I just got home from Bethel worship where I heard a song in the heavenlies that was played that was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I felt an angel around me.
Monday, August 24, 2009
This is just a short video of the chemo treatment plus some pics, she loved having her mp3 for music and her favorite comforter. Except for the first attempt at treat this part was pain free and she is just trying to sleep thru it.
It's day three since the treatment and since yesterday Cyndi has kinda felt like s%^$. She really is giving this her all though and trying to eat (2 tablespoons is about all she can eat) frequently,lots of fluids and getting rest. I am sure it would be worse if it wasnt for all the prayers and support going her way, I cant thank you all enough.
Friday, August 21, 2009
As usual, it didnt go quite as planned. The nurse in training missed Cyndis port with the connection device so when they began to administer medication (different nurse now)it began to burn down her arm and chest. Since she didn't know what to expect,Cyndi said nothing,just bearing down gritting her teeth. When I told the nurse that I could see Cyndi was in pain she immediately installed another syringe and sucked out what she could of the missed dosage. This was the charge nurse now and she knew immediately what was happening,explained it and removed the connection to the port. Cyndi then spent the next hour or so recovering from the episode before reinstalling the connection. This time the charge nurse installed it and it worked perfectly,Cyndi felt nothing,except the ativan, which kinda knocked her out. Two hours later(6 hours total at the hospital),she was done. First round over, she says she feels ok and has slept most of the afternoon. Thanks again for the prayers and support, the next few days are supposed to be difficult, but by grace,maybe not.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Part of the issues she faces is the speed in which the doc feels we need to engage the enemy cells so i will give a timeline. she goes in tuesday 8/18 to the hospital for an iv cathedar that is put into her chest to recieve her treatments because she cant have all the treatments in her good right arm and she hates hospitals almost as much as I do and maybe more now. wednesday she goes for a heart scan (just to make sure the heart muscle is looks capable of doing the regime of hormonal therapy which is later on in the treatment cycle). Thursday the 20th we go for blood tests/informational session/chemo orders for hospital and on Friday the 21st we start. The chemo cycle will last 3-4 months, the regiment is she goes in once every two weeks for chemo (one treatment then a week off to recoup). once the chemo is done she gets a two week break then she starts radiation treatment for six weeks (monday thru friday every day) after thats done the hormonal treatment begin.
I want to let you know how grateful we are for continuing to pray for our family. Cyndi asked for some specifics;courage,strength and of course healing. We expect a miracle from this ordeal but only God knows what and how that will come about.
One other quick note;Please Please Please dont be offended if she says she cant talk on the phone and especially dont ask "why" if she says she's having a tough day,emotions are up and down so just be supportive. Thank you all so much and pray that she can get back on this blog herself as she has some insights to life and the Lord that are enough to put in a book (maybe later)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
She had to stay an extra day in hospital due to complications but we have our Cyndi home now and I am hoping she can begin again posting here with her own words. I know that she would want me to say we love you all and thank you is just a small token of how we feel,words cant describe how grateful we are for your support.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The surgeon seemed surprised she could do both procedures of the surgery thru one of the old incisions, I wasn't,people are praying for my beautiful bride. Lots of people. We find out on friday the results of the additional pathology reports for the remaining lymphnodes that were removed. That, from what I understand, will dictact the level and regiment of chemotherapy she will endure. I am still in awe at the quality of freindships we have, from people staying in our house to help with anything to people coming from out of town to take the three older boys for a mini vacation. The funny thing is that I didnt know what a blessing either of those selfless acts would be. Not only is our house super clean, it's relatively quiet and Cyndi could rest before surgery.
Cyndi got in to see my regular doctor on tuesday and he had some great (but hard) things for us to hear. She now understands better why she hasnt slept, off the hook anxiety,rollercoaster emotions, she has cancer. The thyroid thing is a minor issue that he thinks was partially misdiagnosed, there was no additional testing to say the thyroid was working right or wrong, it was high in the first test but just barely, so he looked her in the eyes and told her to focus on each day. We devised a plan of attack for during chemotherapy and she went home much better.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Ps 27:13 I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
It's early and I am already getting sidetracked, I wanted to tell you an answer to prayer. During the first surgery the doc told us she was going to remove between 1-3 sentinel lymph nodes after the lumpectomy. They inject a dye into the tissue that finds its way into the nodes and 'lites them up blue' in order for the doc to identify. (We found out what happened during this procedure not from the surgeon herself, but when we had a second opinion review of Cyndis chart). Here's the part I believe prayer guided the surgeon, she removed three "lit up" nodes near the tumor area, in the report it says she felt there may be another in the area and searched awhile longer. She found it, it wasn't lit up, she removed it anyways, it was the cancerous lymph node. Jeez, prayer works,our God has a plan for us, please keep praying for Cyndi and our family. Eric
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Some of the words I got before treatment are
God always PRovides where he leads. I can see his provision from all the doctors bills being paid to assigned the best doctor in town.
God will use this in me to help other women go down this path.
Help with my family thru this all.
I will go to oncologist docs every 3 months after treatment for a long while. God knows all, He sees all, He is not suprised by my going thru this, He is still God