Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas reflections

Well I finally can write a little more the chemo fog has lifted (only a couple days a week now on the once a week chemo) and feel fortunate to have this season home. I have so much more rest time with my boys, and not doing but being. This is a huge thing for me since I am such a doer, my heart has gone home and I just love my home and my time with my boys and husband just being family. It has truly been a gift. I went to an inner healing councelling appt called sozo (salvation, healing,deliverance) at bethel. I let go a tremendous amount of fear that has been my friend since childbirth, I saw Jesus walk it away from me, and I am not afraid of my future, I am not even afraid of relapse. I believe that I will never go thru cancer again, but I have personally met at my support group and read stories of tens of women who had returning breast cancer over and over and they are still surviving. It is possible, I do not have fear, I have faith for my future. I got this word of significance when I was first diagnosed (I cant belive it has been 6 months today) wow- what a journey, and I truly am living in significance-all survivors are. I went to my first "survivor lunch"it was wonderful, all four of us women, connecting, laughing, crying. What a group I am able to call my own-survivorship , it is such an incredible word. I want to make a dvd for women (and possibly write a survivor book) for women who are young and diagnosed with breast cancer -or any cancer for that matter. The journey thru to the other side-to survivorship-I am almost at the end of this all, and I am so truly greatful , my heart has expanded beyond all limits thru this cancer experience. When I see a newborn baby I am undone, when I see birds flying up above I just cry because of their beauty. I see life so much differently, with more color and richness, more than I ever have, I have peace.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

christmas photos


chemo with Micah

christmas photos

healing rooms

this is healing rooms at bethel that has kept me going thru all this


chemo christmas eve-well I didnt look forward to it for 3 weeks, and it was the best chemo so far, My chemo friends, Machelle and Lynnie were there and we all did chemo together and held each other, prayed and cried. It was so beautiful, I am so thankful for my sisters, they understand how hard it is to do chemo, it is finally feeling routine (I dont think I like that) and so are the hot flashes each hour (Routine). Well I am so greatful that I am faring well on the outlook of my cancer. Love to all

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

chemo at christmas

Well I have been puttin off postin this lookin for more pics we took, but anyways, it will be strange doing chemo on Christmas eve, but only 4 more chemos to go-yayayaya, I cant wait, I am so done with chemo. Eric and I went to the cancer support group and cried like babies, I was truly greatful for all the friends I am making in chemo-10 and counting, I would not have met any of these precious sisters if I was not on this journey. My hair is officially growing back!!!I look like an ostridge with feathers. I feel very overwhelmed and emotional doing chemo at christmas ( I think it is the steroids) but I can count the days till it is over, only 8 more sick days. I cant wait to get on with my life and move forward after treatment, what a long year, if someone would have told me last christmas I would be doing chemo next christmas eve I would have never believed them, well 2010 should be much better. I have my 4 wonderful sons as good distractions, growing and changing by the day. Life is very busy,looking forward to this next season in life beyond treatment. Merry christmas to all-Cyndi

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thankful Day

Sorry it's been awhile since the last post. I have been wanting to write for some time but always seem to get caught up doing something else or chasing around our increasingly speedy and mischievious 22 month old Jakob. I am pretty sure that my mom is looking down and laughing about it.
I know its not always wise to expose personal feelings on the internet but it seems to be therapuetic for me. The beginning of this month was a real low for me, my mother had passed and Cyndi's treatment and subsequent emotional mood swings were draining me to the point of feeling dead inside. A couple of different thing helped turn the corner for me. The first one was mentioning in an email to one of my coworkers that I was ready for 2009 to be over and that at the time I was hating the year and what it meant in my memory (bad memories). Her reply woke me up, she told me that my family was on the minds and in the prayers of many people and that there was much too much life to live left in the year to write it off. She was right and I hope I thanked her for that (if not thanks L)
The other was being asked by my siblings to emcee my mothers memorial service. Being 9 years younger than my other siblings kind of made me an outsider because they were always older and in different stages of their lives. Their request somehow made me feel validated and honored at the same time. The memorial went great and I almost made it thru a whole paragraph before choking up. I was fine until I looked at my niece who was sobbing then I made the mistake of looking at the rest of my family and the tears flowed. Upon returning home I couldn't believe how exhausted I was, it felt as though I lived an entire life in one weekend. Not only did I experience my memories of childhood, I experienced memories of everyone who was there. I wish my family could get together like that more often but we're just not like that. We were raised to be independent,which is good but it has it's downside as well. It's just the opposite in Cyndis family, everyone's in your business whether you want them there or not. I have learned to love that in her family.
So what am I thankful for? Of course, the enviable beauty of my wife, who can frustrate me to no end and then melt me with a hug. My boys,whose resilience at this time in our lives make me so proud. I am thankful for my family of course. But words cannot ever be good enough to express my deepest gratitude to the friends (who I call framily,friends who are family) and family who have come down into the mud with my family just to support us. Some have freely come to stay at our house to help with whatever is necessary for days and even weeks. They all gave of their precious time to go to chemo,buy groceries,clean the house, provide hugs,take the boys to give them a mini-vacation and to just listen. You are truly special and I will be forever indebitted to you for your kindness.We are taught by God to be thankful for ALL things, not just the good, but ALL things.
So yeah, we have had a rough year,so what. We Love you all

Thursday, November 5, 2009

nov 5, morning of 3rd taxol chemo

Well I awoke early and crying as I usually do the morning of all chemos. ( I say I will not do this again but I do-everytime) usually then I go to the prayer chapel across the street to meet with God and His peace that is strong in there. I have felt like recent weeks this cancer has not been much of a spiritual journey but a mental one-reading book after book on cancer and how to survive it. Usually the mornings of is when I hear from God (it is probibly the best time He can speak to me -I am the most vulnerable and open and broken) and I was so encouraged once again this is not about me. I remembered the dream I had to go visit sick kids in the hospital with cancer, and how ruined I would be. I thought it would be along time off, just like everything else in this journey-but it is the opposite. It is more like warp speed, if I have eyes to see it. I will go soon to visit Logan, he is 7 years old in sacramento hospital, he is so sick that they are coaxing him out of bed to get up by a popscicle, he was diagnosed last week with Briketts lymphoma, he is in stage 3 of 3, he is my childrens classmate from school in redding. He is doing chemo for 6 months there in sac. I am broken over Logan, I feel broken inside when I think about this child I know going thru that much pain. This is as real as it gets. I am doing a fund raiser at the school all next week for the family. Then I am remided when I was 20 and went to a conference in Reno, and I recieved a prophetic word how many younger sister's lives I would touch for Jesus. Out of all my 10 chemo friends 99 % are younger than me. They want Jesus, they want prayer, every week at chemo we pray. Some are stage 4 , most are walking down a harder path than me. This ministry , these people, this venue God has placed me in, going to chemo each week, is as real ministry as it gets. These people are desperate for God, when I say do you want to pray they jump out of their seats. They know they wont make it without God. Tomarrow night I will meet with one of my sister's best friends since high school, this woman has been thru alot, she is 35, and she has an untreatable breast cancer. She will do chemo just like me, but after that the docs dont know how to treat her type of cancer. She has a young son. I will hold her and tell her she can make it, she is paralized by fear of the future and chemo. I remember being there and I will just hold her and tell her she will be ok.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

2nd chemo

Well I am 3 weeks into my new chemo, Taxol, and it it better. I am still loosing weight and no appetite, but I am only down on chemo day, which is once a week. Then just tired for 3 more days, not really sick. So half the week I am starting to feel like a normal person, go to the gym, do real life. Then the other half of the week I do chemo, and am tired. I feel a deeper realization now about the cancer. At first I just was in shock, and then trauma from the surgeries. Then a little in shock from the hard chemo. I wanted to see the cancer as done on my last day of treatment, which will be
March sometime when I finish radiation. But now I feel like I have to change how I eat for life so that I don't have a reacurrance. Like diabetes, or a chronic disease, I have to change me so that I keep it at bay. So we have completely redone our grocery list, I am almost all vegetarian, eating beans, lentils, Bulgar, and fruits and veges. I will start juicing when I am able to drink the green stuff with out feeling nauseous. I have done alot of research and some interesting things that have proven so far as contributing factors have been the diabetic pregnancies, thyroid issues, and not eating so great. I didn't eat bad, I just ate American, now I eat Mediterranean.
Well each week I meet a new chemo friend and we talk and pray and it is incredible all the new chemo friends I am making, I really have a hard time keeping track of them all now. I would never have met so many interesting people if I were not on this journey. To that I can be thankful.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

gloomy day

Well, Cyndi has been doing OK with the once a week treatments of Taxol. It doesn't take as much time for her to bounce back, three days instead of eight but when she starts feeling right again it's time for treatment,yuck!.
My mother Donna fell last week and due to the amount of times she overcame hospital episodes (she made cats jealous) I thought she would be home in a couple days and we would laugh about it in some sort of morbid fashion. But not this time, I got the call on Tuesday that she was unresponsive and had hemorraging in her brain. My siblings and I had to make the awful decision of discontinuing the efforts of the doctors due to a prior request of my mom. I went to Reno on Wednesday to say goodbye with my son Micah. After visiting her late that night, Micah told me that all he remembers were good times we had with her and that when he thinks of her being sick that another good memory comes in and takes the place of the bad one.
That's how it is supposed to be isn't it?It doesn't take away from the anguish, but it helps.
We got the call at 7 am on Thursday, she had passed. Staying at my sisters house we had gotten up early so we could get down to the hospital and my sister knew what the call was about. When I arrived at the hospital, my step dad Keith was reading the bible aloud over my mother, tears streaming,barely getting the words out, it made me proud that he was her partner these last couple of years. It was difficult seeing my sisters in such pain, but I had a peace that is difficult to explain. I know she is in a better place,dancing,not needing hearing aids, singing and waiting for us.
Thank you Mom,for all the love you showed me and all the good memories. Your son,Boo

Thursday, October 1, 2009

cancer support group

Yesterday, I went to my first cancer support group, it was a huge shot of reality for me. Very hard, but good. I was of course the youngest person in there, feeling a bit discouraged by this when I first walked in, but leaving feeling greatful that I was also the healthiest and mad more days left on this earth than them. The tall beautiful black oncology nurse who lead the group I think was a warrior angel. She was one of the most wonderful person I have ever met, she kept preaching to enjoy every moment of like, embrase every second you have , live life to the fullest, each moment is a gift, and unless you have cancer , you dont always see life like that, so in a way it is a gift we have been entrusted with , to choose life and life abundantly. The people were so supportive and encouraging. I feel so much better this week, so much freedom, I am not afraid of cancer, I am overcoming it. (that is all God's doing) I wake up from night and naps, my mind trying to make peace with the chemo that I hate. I wake up having soothing thought of chemo-it is so awesome how God's presence is there to help us thru this process of hardship making the rough rocky road smooth. Everyday before chemo I have anxiety (of course) but also a supernatural excitement and strength to get thru this next day of chemo. Thank you God.

3rd chemo with God

Well the night before my last chemo, I asked all boys to pray for momma, Ashton recieved his heavenly prayer language, so all 3 were praying in the spirit for mom to be brave at chemo, that made my whole day. CHemo, Lalenna was with me and we talked to every woman who would listen to us, we prayed for everyone who would let us. We prayed for a lesbian woman who should not be alive today, stage 5+, Lalenna told her the reason she is still alive is Jesus wants her to know how much He loves her and we invited her to bethel healing room. I prayed for my precious sister Gina who was to have surgery next week, she got the pathology report back doc said it was the best possible report she could get!!!Praise God for listening to our prayers. We prayed for a woman who has M.S. and passed around my Akaine art book (for anyone who doesnt know about her, check out her website, she is a girl who draws about heaven and Jesus-it is truly miraculous) I got out of myself and was about others at club chemo, I had such a grace, the 4 hours went by like minutes and when we left you could tell Jesus showed up, everyone , even the nurses were happy and people's blood pressure was down!!!Wow thanks God for showing up at club chemo. It was the best. Next day Micah went with us to bethel and danced with Jesus, he got a word of knowledge for a pastor there, and we drew pictures of heaven and angels about mommy's bed at night to remind her that she is ok. I can see God's redemptive hand turning this tragedy into a spiritual blessing for my whole family. Eric is different, more kind, compassionate, serving others. Elijah is walking in HUge faith, knowing everything will be ok for mom. Micah is turning his sadness into creative drawing and dancing. Ashton prays everday for momma "God let momma have a great chemo, let her have a fun chemo." (hehe) Jacob is so full of love and joy, we just turn on the worship music and he dances. I am so greatful , I was only down 4 days this last time after chemo. Ist x was 8, 2nd x was 6, now 3rd x was 4 days, hopefully tomarrow when I go will be less. The doc gave me steroids to make it thru the first 4 hard days, and it really helped with nausea and the doc says it makes you manic, so I was trying to extreme clean my whole house, I was like the family dog, Eric kept saying to me , go lay down Cyndi, go lay down. Well tomarrow is #4 hard chemo, the last hard one-yayyaya, I am gonna have a party next week when I feel better. Then I get a 3 week break of normality, I will enjoy every moment of it, then 3 more months of once a week chemo, (this is supposed to be an easier chemo) , followed by 61/2 weeks of radiation (just tired), I will be done with treatments the end of Feb.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

my arm candy

We had a most awesome 20 year anniversary dinner tonight at Rivers restaurant. Man she can turn heads

and then God showed up

wow- i experienced a miracle last weekend, I cant wait to tell you all, it was the biggest spiritual moment of my life. Eric was gone with boys camping, and it started friday night at worship at bethel, I went into the heavenlies with God, and the week before I danced with Jesus on the steps to the throne room to the worship song they were playing called "Song of all Songs" ( by Jesusculture, consumed cd) but on friday night, I just lay on the steps and felt Jesus come and pick me up and hold me and dance with me because I couldnt dance I was too tired from chemo. I heard the heartbeat of God, and I heard it get faster and faster with His love for me. The next day I went to bethel to the Healing Rooms, and got amazing prayer, as I was walking out I heard a woman blowing a shofar. This is a ram's horn, that was blown in the Old Testament, when the armies of Isreal would go out to war against their enemies. They would blow the shofar, and then they would defeat their enemies. Well the woman asked if she could blow it over me, I said yes. She blew it about 5 x over my whole body, it was so loud and powerful, I felt it go thru my whole being, it rattled me to the core, I felt something break in my spirit man. (we all have a body, a spirit and a soul) I felt God's war cry over me, it was so powerful, I have never felt anything so powerful in my life. Then I felt God spoke to me and said, "It is done. It is finished. (meaning the cancer) that I will never have to worry about it again. It is all done., no more cancer. Well then that night I slept and sunday morning I had a dream. In the dream I was at Oprah's house. It was when she was first starting out on t.v. , so I was around 20 years old. I was there with other women who were older, we were selected to come see her house. I was admiring her beautiful home, and we went into a room that was full of pajamas. A woman asked Oprah if she could have one pair that costs $80.00, Oprah said she will think about it. Then that woman and me went into another room, the woman turned to me and said, "You know where Oprah is from dont you? I said no, she said from Etheopia, You know where that is by dont you?She asked. I said no, she said "Africa." We walked into another room, where Oprah was, (we didnt know she was in there) I looked at the woman, and said "It sounds like you have prejudice in your heart." Oprah told the woman to go home, and she told me to write a letter to tell people about prejudice. God gave me a vision, I saw the slave ships coming to America with the black slaves from Africa. I saw how the white Americans viewed their slaves, like a piece of furniture, like nothing, not even human. I saw they would pick a slave from the shack out back and use their body as fuel for the fire to cook their food, and make their clothing. I started weeping, and weeping and woke up crying. My thoughts turned to last week, and me walking around to appts
with no hair. I thought of how people were going to judge me and think I was a lesbian, because of how I looked, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then I started weeping and crying and repenting of how I have judged lesbians, and how the last year I have been asking God to show me how He loves them, that they are His children too. Then my thoughts went to a lifelong dream I have had to go visit children at a cancer ward, and how I could go do that in my 3 week break that is coming up in between chemo rounds. I could go to Oakland's children's oncology ward and just sit with the children, and say, "See, I have cancer too, I am just like you, I look just like you with no hair, and we can be brave together." and how this will just ruin me, and I will be on the floor crying over these precious children who have cancer. And then God spoke, and He said, "Cyndi, this cancer is not about you." I couldn't believe it, the biggest Awakening, the biggest revelation I have had in my whole life, this whole journey I have been on, has not been about me. It has been so that I could love people the way God loves them, I could have compassion for the sick and prejudiced. I could extent love and understand what cancer patients go thru, I went thru the worst, the hardest chemo, my hair falling out, being so sick, so I could experience the heart to love others going thru this also. I feel so different, so free, so over it, so overcoming now, like I can do this. I can go thru this to the other side, and God will use this for good, for me to love others. Last week I was telling Eric, I dont know if I can do this, it is too hard, too painful, I dont know. And now I am excited to see what God has in store for my life, visiting the sick children, going to Africa one day on a missions trip, loving the unlovely and the sick. I am so greatful to my Big God for seeing me thru this and taking me to the other side. Thank you Jesus.

2nd chemo

well I made it thru my 2nd round of chemo, and it was much better, thanks to better meds (that actually worked with out giving me chemo headache -imagine that) and to much prayer and fasting. The women at my church prayed and prayed and went with out food praying for me while I endured chemo. Thanks to all of you that have been praying, it helped. CHemo is so strange, I cant really explain it, but like I said before, your body just basically shuts down for a week , and all I do is sleep, and maybe eat. My mind can not line up thoughts, so I just have mummbled thoughts going thru my head each day, nothing seems normal, and no matter how hard I try I cant get my life to be or feel normal. a + b = zomph or something like that a + b does not equal c. It is so strange walking around in life, but nothing making sense, you are so sick you stop existing really. I am not a wife or a mom or a human, I am just shut down, and I can not unshut myself until day 8 when I come out of a fog and feel a little human and normal, but those days 3-7 I feel like I will never feel normal or human again, that is the lie. Well tonight my best friend for 25 years is coming LaLenna to help me be brave and go do chemo again tomarrow, I am so glad she is coming to help, I feel courage when she is with me that I can do this another time.

ding ding round three

Yesterday I had a chance to take Elijah out to dinner to olive garden (dont look at the calorie info they have on the tables now) for his 14th birthday. Cyndi had set up a surprise birthday at the church disguised as a youth worship night and we completely caught him off guard. Cynd wore her brite pink wig I got her (she has alot of fun with it) and she even wore it to elijahs high school. The boys and even Cyndi have excepted her beautiful baldness now and like to see her having fun. I will let Cyndi tell about her epiphany she had over the weekend regarding her whole ordeal with this disease. It is quite amazing,almost as amazing as I find her.

The other exciting news is that 20 years ago today, I married her at the Cal-Neva Lodge at Lake Tahoe on a blustery day in a small chapel (the wedding was to be outside but the weather changed that) packed with people.

I remember seeing her sillouette through the etched glass on the doors as she prepared to enter, my knees became weak when the doors opened to reveal my bride to be. I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago, she lifted her veiled face in which I could see her big brown eyes connect with mine, she smiled..............sorry,the rest is just for me
The chemo chemicals will flow tomorrow, the prayers of everyone and the Grace of God is at work here,Thank you all

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

hair falling out

Labor day was spent our whole family having a head shaving party, all 5 men and me buzzed our heads, they look adorable, admirable, handsome, I look , well different, but good timing, because today day 19 just like they told me after chemo started, my hair is falling out. God give me Grace

our songs thru this winter season

My theme song thru this all , the song Jesus speaks hope to me
Mighty to Save
Savior He can move my mountains
My God is mighty to save me
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of Salvation
He rose and conquors my grave
Jesus conquors my grave

Eric's theme song Lifehouse Broken
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
Like You have already figured out,
I am falling apart, I am barely breathing
With a broken heart , that is still beating
In the pain there is Healing
In Your Name I fing meaning
So I am holding on, I m holding on, I'm barely holding on 2 You
I am hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way
and I am hanging on to the words you say,
You say that I will be ok

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day- (insert excitement here)

So, it's day 4 and Cyndi would rate as fair . She slept(or should I say stayed horizontal) almost the entire day on Sunday and she's back to eating a couple tablespoons of liquids for a meal.She usually has one main meal a day consisting of either brown rice with a bit of cheese or a wonton soup(thanks Liz) but the amounts are miniscule. My Labor Day excitement is she had me looking for this 'miso soup','got to have it'she said. well, I found a couple different types at world market and trader joes and triumphantly brought an assortment home and guess what? she doesnt like it, I really do find that funny. Some of you may remember back to a Life cereal commercial in the late 70's where a couple boys were talking about their little brother, 'mikey wont eat it, He hates everything' they would say. You better have thick skin when trying to feed someone going thru chemo cuz there is a 98% failure rate and sometimes it's better if they just get up and get what they want.
I think the perfect meal for someone on chemo would be to have a cup of hot water,add 2 grains of salt and stir, plain crust-free wheat bread and red gatorade (at leeast in Cyndis case). Yes, I am keeping up a little humor, if I lose that I'll be done for.

Friday, September 4, 2009

round 2

Well, round 2 of chemo in and Cyndi headed over to Bethel for a bit tonight. Feeling ok to this point but the yuck doesnt usually start for about 24 hours so she's livin it up. We had a little pre chemo party with her new 'sisterhood' friend Janelle and her husband at the park on Thursday night which was alot of fun. All the boys tried on Janelle's wig which was a crack up as you'll see and Cyndi laughed so hard she cried. Her haircut looks so good on her short I am sure she will be even more stunning without any at all.

I will probably get in trouble in trouble for that last sentence-Eric

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Escape to Tahoe

Well I am finally writing about chemo. I just now feel good enough to do it. Well it is something you will never understand until you go thru it, and now I know. I really dont have words to describe how hard it was. The nauseau rolled in around exactly 24 hrs after and that wasnt as bad as the chemo brain, or headache. I was pretty much debilitated for 6 days. I would try to get out of bed, but that would last about 10 minutes. I am so greatful that my hubby packed and took me to tahoe. I felt so much better. We had an evening walking on the beach at sunset that I will never forget. My prince charming Eric took me away from all the pain of the last 12 days and we strolled along one of my most favorite places in the world. I felt humane again, I got such HOPE again. I really didnt know if I would ever come out of chemo pit, but I feel good today, on day 10 after chemo, thanks to much prayer and escape. I feel that with Jesus help I can face chemo again in 5 days, and now have the hope to know I will again come out of chemo fog. Thanks to everyone who made it all happen and all your prayers. P.S. I just got home from Bethel worship where I heard a song in the heavenlies that was played that was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I felt an angel around me.

Monday, August 24, 2009

another short video

This is just a short video of the chemo treatment plus some pics, she loved having her mp3 for music and her favorite comforter. Except for the first attempt at treat this part was pain free and she is just trying to sleep thru it.

It's day three since the treatment and since yesterday Cyndi has kinda felt like s%^$. She really is giving this her all though and trying to eat (2 tablespoons is about all she can eat) frequently,lots of fluids and getting rest. I am sure it would be worse if it wasnt for all the prayers and support going her way, I cant thank you all enough.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Chemo Day

Well, Cyndi woke today feeling today feeling very positive and even a bit excited. I can attribute that to all the prayers from all of you. God's grace was upon her this morning like no other morning so far, it was easy to see. She kept telling Elijah she was going to battle before him (Mr Air Force ya know) which perplexed him a bit but what the hay,she was in good spirits. The boys prayed in earnest before we left and we prayed all the way to drop off Micah/Ashton early to school,then to chemo. We had been told to plan for 2.5 hours for the treatment.
As usual, it didnt go quite as planned. The nurse in training missed Cyndis port with the connection device so when they began to administer medication (different nurse now)it began to burn down her arm and chest. Since she didn't know what to expect,Cyndi said nothing,just bearing down gritting her teeth. When I told the nurse that I could see Cyndi was in pain she immediately installed another syringe and sucked out what she could of the missed dosage. This was the charge nurse now and she knew immediately what was happening,explained it and removed the connection to the port. Cyndi then spent the next hour or so recovering from the episode before reinstalling the connection. This time the charge nurse installed it and it worked perfectly,Cyndi felt nothing,except the ativan, which kinda knocked her out. Two hours later(6 hours total at the hospital),she was done. First round over, she says she feels ok and has slept most of the afternoon. Thanks again for the prayers and support, the next few days are supposed to be difficult, but by grace,maybe not.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Heart scan today

cool technology, just wish it wasn't my Cyndi there. the song playing said "i'm feeling like i'm living someone elses life,seems like i stepped outside,everything was going fine;

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

got the port

Cyndi got her port in today installed into her chest. Prayers were answered as she had to face going to surgery again with her anxiety and she did well. Her friend Liz was gracious enough to come up and help with whatever was needed which was mostly one on one talking with cyndi. Muchos Gracious goes out to her husband as well for lending her to us, as well as all you husbands out there whose wives have been helping our family. People helping with the boys and especially mr busy jakob (he's a blast but man high energy) have been great, the help with meals gosh i could go on and on. Blessings to you all for loving on us thru this. We dont know why we have to travel this road, but just wanted to thank everyone for pushing us thru the rocks and over the bumps.

Monday, August 17, 2009

first day of school

ej in high school,big freshmen now micah in fourth,mr. handsome
ashton in first grade, future president

jakob,yes he was imitating one of his brothers peeing in the backyard,now does it on command

all this excitement and then chemo, :(

Saturday, August 15, 2009

the chemo starts

well the medical oncologist visit didnt fair too well for my Cyndi. As with anyone who has to go thru this she is very scared (at one point told me she wanted me to do my back surgery first so she could wait a while but no way jose). We have to take one day at a time now,relish the good ,trudge through the bad. When I read her last post I have to admit I was very encouraged with her attitude, well thats changed a bit with the news we got on Friday.
Part of the issues she faces is the speed in which the doc feels we need to engage the enemy cells so i will give a timeline. she goes in tuesday 8/18 to the hospital for an iv cathedar that is put into her chest to recieve her treatments because she cant have all the treatments in her good right arm and she hates hospitals almost as much as I do and maybe more now. wednesday she goes for a heart scan (just to make sure the heart muscle is looks capable of doing the regime of hormonal therapy which is later on in the treatment cycle). Thursday the 20th we go for blood tests/informational session/chemo orders for hospital and on Friday the 21st we start. The chemo cycle will last 3-4 months, the regiment is she goes in once every two weeks for chemo (one treatment then a week off to recoup). once the chemo is done she gets a two week break then she starts radiation treatment for six weeks (monday thru friday every day) after thats done the hormonal treatment begin.
I want to let you know how grateful we are for continuing to pray for our family. Cyndi asked for some specifics;courage,strength and of course healing. We expect a miracle from this ordeal but only God knows what and how that will come about.
One other quick note;Please Please Please dont be offended if she says she cant talk on the phone and especially dont ask "why" if she says she's having a tough day,emotions are up and down so just be supportive. Thank you all so much and pray that she can get back on this blog herself as she has some insights to life and the Lord that are enough to put in a book (maybe later)

the chemo starts

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

day 45, 7 weeks into this journey 8/12/09

Well it has been a wild ride, that is all I can say, I feel I have lived 2 years in the last 7 weeks, and I feel I lost 2 months at the same time. Well I am over the 2nd surgery hump or out of the pit, which ever you prefer, I feel better each day. Thank you for all your support and prayers, they have made a difference. I go to chemo doc on friday and we will go over all things for next months of chemo. Next week then I meet with radiation doc for info on that 6 weeks. Well surgery was hell. I hate surgery , it is always so hard, and triple hard for me. I dont know why, but it is brutally hard. In saying that, I am having a great week, and probibly had one of the best days in memory yesterday, hearing my boys tales of the "bounce house" with dad. They were all fired up when they got home and laughing, singing songs and just goofy all around, it felt so good, so normal again. I love weeks like this that have some bit of normallity to them. I have to say it has been the hardest 7 weeks of my life but also the most incredible. The journey is so amazing, I feel like the cancer is about 20% of what God is doing in all this. The measure of healing and love He has poured out for me has given me more joy than I have felt in years. Only with God can you see Him turning a curse into a blessing right before your eyes. I feel more like a child of God, more loved by God, more in love with God and my husband and my children than ever before. I feel more joy in resting in His love for me and knowing that God is taking care of me like never before. I am so greatful for an amazing husband who has stood beside me and carried me back to life again, He has held me up when I couldnt stand and been my strength when I had none left. I am so greatful for everyone that God has put in my life right now that has joined in the journey with me thru this life changing event. Looking at my precious 4 boys faces each day has made every bit of it worth it.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Maybe today will be better

I hope Cyndi starts feelin a bit better soon. Y'all are probably wanting to hear from her but your stuck with me for now. Cyndi's incremental healing has been pretty tough on her. Most of you know she is a go getter and to be tired and not really able to use her left arm really puts a damper on 'her' timetable for healing. Hopefully today she gets to have her chest tube removed which is literally a thorn in her side and is quite bothersome. A BIG Thanks to Cyndi's more forceful friends for helping me to get her to rest, I think that this time she may have heard you.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Cyndis back home

Wow is all I can say. I had prepared myself for bad news on the pathology results for the 18 remaining lymph nodes she had removed on wednesday, dont get me wrong, I have tremendous faith but it has been hard news one after the other here lately so I was ready for more. No cancer in any of the other nodes,WOW! I thank God and all of the people who were praying for my beautiful wife. My other post told about the miracle of the Lord pushing the surgeon a bit harder to remove an additional unmarked lymph node that turned out to be the only cancerous node she had, if she hadnt, we wouldn't know about the additional cancer and the likelyhood of the cancer spreading to the rest of her body through her lymph nodes would have been great. Her road is still hard, she still has to do chemo, but it could be alot harder. An answer to prayers and Thank you all!
She had to stay an extra day in hospital due to complications but we have our Cyndi home now and I am hoping she can begin again posting here with her own words. I know that she would want me to say we love you all and thank you is just a small token of how we feel,words cant describe how grateful we are for your support.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

todays surgery

Well, the second surgery went well. She was in alot of pain for about two hours once she got to her room but finally got some rest. Funny how she calmed down,stories of her fab four boys. Things that make them so special,hopes, dreams and what the heck we're gonna do when the throngs of girls start showing up.
The surgeon seemed surprised she could do both procedures of the surgery thru one of the old incisions, I wasn't,people are praying for my beautiful bride. Lots of people. We find out on friday the results of the additional pathology reports for the remaining lymphnodes that were removed. That, from what I understand, will dictact the level and regiment of chemotherapy she will endure. I am still in awe at the quality of freindships we have, from people staying in our house to help with anything to people coming from out of town to take the three older boys for a mini vacation. The funny thing is that I didnt know what a blessing either of those selfless acts would be. Not only is our house super clean, it's relatively quiet and Cyndi could rest before surgery.
Cyndi got in to see my regular doctor on tuesday and he had some great (but hard) things for us to hear. She now understands better why she hasnt slept, off the hook anxiety,rollercoaster emotions, she has cancer. The thyroid thing is a minor issue that he thinks was partially misdiagnosed, there was no additional testing to say the thyroid was working right or wrong, it was high in the first test but just barely, so he looked her in the eyes and told her to focus on each day. We devised a plan of attack for during chemotherapy and she went home much better.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I just wanted to say thank you to all who are surrounding me thru this journey in prayer. I am so greatful for my loving husband who has given up his life to serve and hold me up right now in this difficult time. All my family and friends who are helping, calling and praying. As Eric noted God has given to me a miracle thru this already and we are only 33 days into this fight. If this doctor would not have took the time and located the extra lymph node, then I would not have gone thru chemo and the cancer could have spread. I feel God has given me a new lease on life, because He loves my children more than me , I should be around now to see them raised , so now I am like "Surgery and CHemo, bring it on!!!!" I am so completely blown away by God's huge love for me, He is meeting me every step of the way, each doctor appt, each day, I can see His hand in my life. I cant begin to explain how I am seeing His hand prints all over this journey, He makes all things work together for my good. I could blog a hundred pages on what He has shown me thru this hard path, but I dont even have the time to explain it all. I feel so loved by my father in heaven, I just thank Him each day for bringing me thru this. I know it is hard and I am so encouraged right now, but I know I have a big rough road ahead of me, But Jesus keeps showing me that He is with me thru it , holding me and taking care of me. From the doctor He gave me, to all the medical bills being paid, to the people that are taking care of me and my family, to all the people holding me up in their prayers. I am so greatful for this journey, I know that sounds crazy but God is meeting me in such huge ways, I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but thru it all I am experiencing the Living God. He is giving me words, and dreams and scriptures to hold on to when it gets bad, I am at the end of myself physically dealing with not sleeping much with an overactive thyroid on top of the battling cancer, but it is like when I am week then God is strong in me. I cant explain it, but I have four beautiful little faces to come home from treatment to, and a loving husband to stand with me thru this, I am truly blessed.
Ps 27:13 I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

just so you know

I wanted to let you all know how thankful we are for each and every one of you. The support and prayers have been amazing. Cyndi has had kind of a roller coaster week with ups and downs,frazzled emotions and the hardest thing of all 'how could this happen to me?' rolling around her head. I think that as the second surgery nears, all the feelings ramp up regarding the pain and struggle ahead.
It's early and I am already getting sidetracked, I wanted to tell you an answer to prayer. During the first surgery the doc told us she was going to remove between 1-3 sentinel lymph nodes after the lumpectomy. They inject a dye into the tissue that finds its way into the nodes and 'lites them up blue' in order for the doc to identify. (We found out what happened during this procedure not from the surgeon herself, but when we had a second opinion review of Cyndis chart). Here's the part I believe prayer guided the surgeon, she removed three "lit up" nodes near the tumor area, in the report it says she felt there may be another in the area and searched awhile longer. She found it, it wasn't lit up, she removed it anyways, it was the cancerous lymph node. Jeez, prayer works,our God has a plan for us, please keep praying for Cyndi and our family. Eric

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

First Day of work

Well, this morning was the day we sent our son into the workforce. He has been a bit confused about the fact he needs to get himself to work on a bicycle but I am confident he'll figure it out. He has started training at YAKS coffee shop on hilltop to earn money for missions and to replinish his savings,besides he loves people and what a great place. He got himself up at 5 am,dressed,breakfast and even a cup of java. I heard him rustling in the kitchen so I got up with him to check out his gear,give him support and remind him how proud I am to be his father. He did just fine getting prepared with water,change of clothes, remembered his comb to fix his faux hawk when he gets there and a headlamp cuz it was darker than I thought it would be. He is a rather awesome young man, and yes I am quite biased. As he road off at 5;25, I stood in the street to watch as any proud papa would,when a pure white deer and her fawn that calls this area home came out, looked around and went on their way. was there a significance?Not sure, but it was definitely cool.

Friday, July 17, 2009

2nd surgery

Preparing myself mentally and spiritually, I soak in worship , and feel much better knowing there is a Big God who is taking care of me and my boys.
Some of the words I got before treatment are
God always PRovides where he leads. I can see his provision from all the doctors bills being paid to assigned the best doctor in town.
God will use this in me to help other women go down this path.
Help with my family thru this all.
I will go to oncologist docs every 3 months after treatment for a long while. God knows all, He sees all, He is not suprised by my going thru this, He is still God

1 st surgery

well after meeting (the next day I got the news )with the breast surgeon, I soon was in for surgery after a bone skan and MRI that came back no other new cancer that we could find. I had a lumpectomy that took out only the lump in my breast that was 1.8 cm-small and some surrounding lymph nodes, this was because they are the first blood sourse that drains from main tumor in breast. It was in/out surgery the same day, and after 2 hour surgery, and 5 hour recovery (supposed to be 1/2 hr) I was at home, on pain meds. It was hard as a family to take in the news, we told younger boys mom is sick, and Elijah,13, about the c word. We all took the news hard, but it will be alot of hard work until the treatment is done. I am at a level 1 and after surgery , we found out all tissue around breast tumor is clear-praise God, but one of the 4 lymph nodes had a .5cm tumor. So now we are at a level 2 cancer and another surgery. Before surgery we were going to do 1 surgery and 6 weeks radiation, now chemotherapy added in the mix. I do not want to loose my hair, that will be freeky, but all my boys will shave their heads too, as support. Before 1st surgery I felt strong in God, alot of prayer, after hearing news I feel so in shock it is hard to process anything. I feel like this is a bad dream and I am going to wake from it. I dont have time to be sick, my greatest concern is the energy thru chemo and radiation to take care of my baby. I thank God for my best friend Lalenna who came and took care of me after surgery and my mom who will also take care of my boys while I go thru chemo, and my good friends here who come and visit me, it is a lonely place feeling like a patient more than a persoon for a week after surgery.

1st news

got news from routine mammogram-I turned 40 so I called soroptomist for free mammogram-like I should when I turned 40 , and guess what it was there, they called me back 3 times to do more testing before I got the call on June 24th from the doctor, there was some cancer in the lump they found. I felt the lump now, because I knew what to feel for but 3 months previous when I had my doctor do a breast exam in the office her nor me knew of any lump, I was just getting over nursing a baby a few months previous, with 4 boys, one being only 1 and 1/2, turning 40 this was the last thing on my mind. I have always been so healthy, ate right, exercised, didnt drink, I had none of the risks,plus I was only 40-wow, I never did my once a month exams in shower, didnt think It would happen to me-how wrong I was.