Sunday, January 31, 2010

after port out

Well I awoke today thinking of a dream I had many years ago, in the dream I was in a long scary dark hallway that led to Africa, at the end of the hallway there was a standing closet, I turned on the light and there were presents everywhere on all the shelves. I knew these presents were waiting for me there in Africa, but I didnt know how all the gifts were going to get in me. I realized that the cancer journey has been just like that dark long scary hallway that I was too scared to walk down, and I didnt want to walk down, but at the end there were all these presents, I realized the presents were my chemo sisters, if I didnt walk down the cancer road I never would have met them. I am so blessed to meet them, they feel like my real sisters. Janelle, Brenda, Machelle, Lynnie, Renee, Molinda, Winnie, Sally, Barb, Gina, Jeanie. They are all precious gifts given to me on this incredibly difficult road I have walked.

last chemo

well this was last day of chemo, it was very emotional for me. I saw my Machelle, it really seems like a dream, not real.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Chapter Closed

Howdy all!Eric here, So here's the device all the poison was pumped thru into Cyndi. We actually tried to take it home as a trophy but the doc said it was biohazard. I am pretty sure that was bull as we have a two year old and truly know what biohazard is everytime we change a loaded diaper. Oh well,maybe thats how that hospital has turned around its profits,maybe they reuse them and charge for new ones,hmmm conspiracy anyone?kiddin
The day started off with cyndi whacked out super anxious (as always before any procedure) and with a dream I had about my mom that was so real that when I woke, just for a moment, I thought I'd give her a call. Then it hit me that she's gone. It was a great dialogue dream that I remember pretty well,we were sittin on the couch chatting about this and that,laughing,just me and my mom,strange huh? I hope there are more of those,it was kinda comforting.
Anyway, back to the 6 hour (25 minute procedure) hospital visit. The nurse got cyn all hooked up,iv'd (which hurt like hell cuz of her carpal tunnel that has been exacerbated by chemo) then a bit of anxiety medicene (none for me dang it) which relaxed her immensely. I have always hated the feeling that I get when they take her away and just leave me standing there and I had to do that again as well,never does it get easier. She was high as a kite when they brought her back which was ok with me, it's good for my weird sense of humor. She actually was craving a hamburger,which really threw me,she hasnt eaten a real burger in a really long time. I got her home,ice packed her up and she has been sleeping since, almost 14 hours, waking only for bites of food/water and bathroom breaks. Man she is really turning the page hard on that chapter,me too! I honestly dont know how much more I could do. You see cancer doesnt just get to the person who has it but it gets everyone around that person as well, one way or another. That flippin chemo regiment and the weight of death on your shoulders is heavy. The person you know turns into something/someone else with all that poison and it seems to last forever( it is goos to keep a calender for sure). But you know what,even thru all that she's made awesome new friends, friends that may not be around long,people who needed friends and genuinely wild and crazy friends.
I finally saw glimpses last week of the woman I know,the wife I love and the most amazing mom.Things that have been hit and miss for six months, I think she's finally coming back now. Finishing this chapter,turning this page (maybe slammin it down) and moving on. Let's go.I'm ready

Thursday, January 14, 2010

nearing end of chemo

Well I am nearing the end of chemo, just finished my 2nd to last one, my Aunt Cathy came up with mom, and only one left.YAYAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I was so looking forward to being done, it has been such a journey to self discovery. I am not sure quite how to live after it is over, I have been living such an extraordinary life, now I will just live an ordinary life. That will be great and I will have 4 boys to continue to raise. But I was living life and death, now I will go on to just live life. I have learned so much, I hope I have learned all I was supposed to learn. I am amazed how the chemo started out scary and lonely, and ended up a wonderful experience each week, because I would do chemo with my sisters, Lynnie and Machelle. It was like a party, we would laugh, and cry and talk deep talks, God is so faithful that it started out so scary and lethal and ended up so life giving and joyous. Only Jesus can do that. Today was Lynnie's last chemo, and next week will be mine, the sad news is that for Machelle, she will never stop chemo. I will miss our thursdays at chemo, and I will miss seeing them each week, so I will go visit her and love and support her till the end.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

No chemo

Well after my sissy came down for chemo last week, they had me all hooked up for chemo and gave me my 1 hour pre-meds, then I asked the nurse about my lab liver levels, which were high , she said stop the chemo, call the doctor, and I couldnt do chemo, so I went home and slept. I am not sure they will finish the last 3 chemo, because of my symptoms, so we will see, but my hair is starting to really grow back, I look like an ostridge with feathers. But I am so happy my hair is growing back-Cyndi