Thursday, September 17, 2009

my arm candy

We had a most awesome 20 year anniversary dinner tonight at Rivers restaurant. Man she can turn heads

and then God showed up

wow- i experienced a miracle last weekend, I cant wait to tell you all, it was the biggest spiritual moment of my life. Eric was gone with boys camping, and it started friday night at worship at bethel, I went into the heavenlies with God, and the week before I danced with Jesus on the steps to the throne room to the worship song they were playing called "Song of all Songs" ( by Jesusculture, consumed cd) but on friday night, I just lay on the steps and felt Jesus come and pick me up and hold me and dance with me because I couldnt dance I was too tired from chemo. I heard the heartbeat of God, and I heard it get faster and faster with His love for me. The next day I went to bethel to the Healing Rooms, and got amazing prayer, as I was walking out I heard a woman blowing a shofar. This is a ram's horn, that was blown in the Old Testament, when the armies of Isreal would go out to war against their enemies. They would blow the shofar, and then they would defeat their enemies. Well the woman asked if she could blow it over me, I said yes. She blew it about 5 x over my whole body, it was so loud and powerful, I felt it go thru my whole being, it rattled me to the core, I felt something break in my spirit man. (we all have a body, a spirit and a soul) I felt God's war cry over me, it was so powerful, I have never felt anything so powerful in my life. Then I felt God spoke to me and said, "It is done. It is finished. (meaning the cancer) that I will never have to worry about it again. It is all done., no more cancer. Well then that night I slept and sunday morning I had a dream. In the dream I was at Oprah's house. It was when she was first starting out on t.v. , so I was around 20 years old. I was there with other women who were older, we were selected to come see her house. I was admiring her beautiful home, and we went into a room that was full of pajamas. A woman asked Oprah if she could have one pair that costs $80.00, Oprah said she will think about it. Then that woman and me went into another room, the woman turned to me and said, "You know where Oprah is from dont you? I said no, she said from Etheopia, You know where that is by dont you?She asked. I said no, she said "Africa." We walked into another room, where Oprah was, (we didnt know she was in there) I looked at the woman, and said "It sounds like you have prejudice in your heart." Oprah told the woman to go home, and she told me to write a letter to tell people about prejudice. God gave me a vision, I saw the slave ships coming to America with the black slaves from Africa. I saw how the white Americans viewed their slaves, like a piece of furniture, like nothing, not even human. I saw they would pick a slave from the shack out back and use their body as fuel for the fire to cook their food, and make their clothing. I started weeping, and weeping and woke up crying. My thoughts turned to last week, and me walking around to appts
with no hair. I thought of how people were going to judge me and think I was a lesbian, because of how I looked, and there was nothing I could do about it. Then I started weeping and crying and repenting of how I have judged lesbians, and how the last year I have been asking God to show me how He loves them, that they are His children too. Then my thoughts went to a lifelong dream I have had to go visit children at a cancer ward, and how I could go do that in my 3 week break that is coming up in between chemo rounds. I could go to Oakland's children's oncology ward and just sit with the children, and say, "See, I have cancer too, I am just like you, I look just like you with no hair, and we can be brave together." and how this will just ruin me, and I will be on the floor crying over these precious children who have cancer. And then God spoke, and He said, "Cyndi, this cancer is not about you." I couldn't believe it, the biggest Awakening, the biggest revelation I have had in my whole life, this whole journey I have been on, has not been about me. It has been so that I could love people the way God loves them, I could have compassion for the sick and prejudiced. I could extent love and understand what cancer patients go thru, I went thru the worst, the hardest chemo, my hair falling out, being so sick, so I could experience the heart to love others going thru this also. I feel so different, so free, so over it, so overcoming now, like I can do this. I can go thru this to the other side, and God will use this for good, for me to love others. Last week I was telling Eric, I dont know if I can do this, it is too hard, too painful, I dont know. And now I am excited to see what God has in store for my life, visiting the sick children, going to Africa one day on a missions trip, loving the unlovely and the sick. I am so greatful to my Big God for seeing me thru this and taking me to the other side. Thank you Jesus.

2nd chemo

well I made it thru my 2nd round of chemo, and it was much better, thanks to better meds (that actually worked with out giving me chemo headache -imagine that) and to much prayer and fasting. The women at my church prayed and prayed and went with out food praying for me while I endured chemo. Thanks to all of you that have been praying, it helped. CHemo is so strange, I cant really explain it, but like I said before, your body just basically shuts down for a week , and all I do is sleep, and maybe eat. My mind can not line up thoughts, so I just have mummbled thoughts going thru my head each day, nothing seems normal, and no matter how hard I try I cant get my life to be or feel normal. a + b = zomph or something like that a + b does not equal c. It is so strange walking around in life, but nothing making sense, you are so sick you stop existing really. I am not a wife or a mom or a human, I am just shut down, and I can not unshut myself until day 8 when I come out of a fog and feel a little human and normal, but those days 3-7 I feel like I will never feel normal or human again, that is the lie. Well tonight my best friend for 25 years is coming LaLenna to help me be brave and go do chemo again tomarrow, I am so glad she is coming to help, I feel courage when she is with me that I can do this another time.

ding ding round three

Yesterday I had a chance to take Elijah out to dinner to olive garden (dont look at the calorie info they have on the tables now) for his 14th birthday. Cyndi had set up a surprise birthday at the church disguised as a youth worship night and we completely caught him off guard. Cynd wore her brite pink wig I got her (she has alot of fun with it) and she even wore it to elijahs high school. The boys and even Cyndi have excepted her beautiful baldness now and like to see her having fun. I will let Cyndi tell about her epiphany she had over the weekend regarding her whole ordeal with this disease. It is quite amazing,almost as amazing as I find her.

The other exciting news is that 20 years ago today, I married her at the Cal-Neva Lodge at Lake Tahoe on a blustery day in a small chapel (the wedding was to be outside but the weather changed that) packed with people.

I remember seeing her sillouette through the etched glass on the doors as she prepared to enter, my knees became weak when the doors opened to reveal my bride to be. I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago, she lifted her veiled face in which I could see her big brown eyes connect with mine, she smiled..............sorry,the rest is just for me
The chemo chemicals will flow tomorrow, the prayers of everyone and the Grace of God is at work here,Thank you all

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

hair falling out

Labor day was spent our whole family having a head shaving party, all 5 men and me buzzed our heads, they look adorable, admirable, handsome, I look , well different, but good timing, because today day 19 just like they told me after chemo started, my hair is falling out. God give me Grace

our songs thru this winter season

My theme song thru this all , the song Jesus speaks hope to me
Mighty to Save
Savior He can move my mountains
My God is mighty to save me
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of Salvation
He rose and conquors my grave
Jesus conquors my grave

Eric's theme song Lifehouse Broken
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
Like You have already figured out,
I am falling apart, I am barely breathing
With a broken heart , that is still beating
In the pain there is Healing
In Your Name I fing meaning
So I am holding on, I m holding on, I'm barely holding on 2 You
I am hanging on another day, just to see what you will throw my way
and I am hanging on to the words you say,
You say that I will be ok

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day- (insert excitement here)

So, it's day 4 and Cyndi would rate as fair . She slept(or should I say stayed horizontal) almost the entire day on Sunday and she's back to eating a couple tablespoons of liquids for a meal.She usually has one main meal a day consisting of either brown rice with a bit of cheese or a wonton soup(thanks Liz) but the amounts are miniscule. My Labor Day excitement is she had me looking for this 'miso soup','got to have it'she said. well, I found a couple different types at world market and trader joes and triumphantly brought an assortment home and guess what? she doesnt like it, I really do find that funny. Some of you may remember back to a Life cereal commercial in the late 70's where a couple boys were talking about their little brother, 'mikey wont eat it, He hates everything' they would say. You better have thick skin when trying to feed someone going thru chemo cuz there is a 98% failure rate and sometimes it's better if they just get up and get what they want.
I think the perfect meal for someone on chemo would be to have a cup of hot water,add 2 grains of salt and stir, plain crust-free wheat bread and red gatorade (at leeast in Cyndis case). Yes, I am keeping up a little humor, if I lose that I'll be done for.

Friday, September 4, 2009

round 2

Well, round 2 of chemo in and Cyndi headed over to Bethel for a bit tonight. Feeling ok to this point but the yuck doesnt usually start for about 24 hours so she's livin it up. We had a little pre chemo party with her new 'sisterhood' friend Janelle and her husband at the park on Thursday night which was alot of fun. All the boys tried on Janelle's wig which was a crack up as you'll see and Cyndi laughed so hard she cried. Her haircut looks so good on her short I am sure she will be even more stunning without any at all.

I will probably get in trouble in trouble for that last sentence-Eric