Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thankful Day

Sorry it's been awhile since the last post. I have been wanting to write for some time but always seem to get caught up doing something else or chasing around our increasingly speedy and mischievious 22 month old Jakob. I am pretty sure that my mom is looking down and laughing about it.
I know its not always wise to expose personal feelings on the internet but it seems to be therapuetic for me. The beginning of this month was a real low for me, my mother had passed and Cyndi's treatment and subsequent emotional mood swings were draining me to the point of feeling dead inside. A couple of different thing helped turn the corner for me. The first one was mentioning in an email to one of my coworkers that I was ready for 2009 to be over and that at the time I was hating the year and what it meant in my memory (bad memories). Her reply woke me up, she told me that my family was on the minds and in the prayers of many people and that there was much too much life to live left in the year to write it off. She was right and I hope I thanked her for that (if not thanks L)
The other was being asked by my siblings to emcee my mothers memorial service. Being 9 years younger than my other siblings kind of made me an outsider because they were always older and in different stages of their lives. Their request somehow made me feel validated and honored at the same time. The memorial went great and I almost made it thru a whole paragraph before choking up. I was fine until I looked at my niece who was sobbing then I made the mistake of looking at the rest of my family and the tears flowed. Upon returning home I couldn't believe how exhausted I was, it felt as though I lived an entire life in one weekend. Not only did I experience my memories of childhood, I experienced memories of everyone who was there. I wish my family could get together like that more often but we're just not like that. We were raised to be independent,which is good but it has it's downside as well. It's just the opposite in Cyndis family, everyone's in your business whether you want them there or not. I have learned to love that in her family.
So what am I thankful for? Of course, the enviable beauty of my wife, who can frustrate me to no end and then melt me with a hug. My boys,whose resilience at this time in our lives make me so proud. I am thankful for my family of course. But words cannot ever be good enough to express my deepest gratitude to the friends (who I call framily,friends who are family) and family who have come down into the mud with my family just to support us. Some have freely come to stay at our house to help with whatever is necessary for days and even weeks. They all gave of their precious time to go to chemo,buy groceries,clean the house, provide hugs,take the boys to give them a mini-vacation and to just listen. You are truly special and I will be forever indebitted to you for your kindness.We are taught by God to be thankful for ALL things, not just the good, but ALL things.
So yeah, we have had a rough year,so what. We Love you all

Thursday, November 5, 2009

nov 5, morning of 3rd taxol chemo

Well I awoke early and crying as I usually do the morning of all chemos. ( I say I will not do this again but I do-everytime) usually then I go to the prayer chapel across the street to meet with God and His peace that is strong in there. I have felt like recent weeks this cancer has not been much of a spiritual journey but a mental one-reading book after book on cancer and how to survive it. Usually the mornings of is when I hear from God (it is probibly the best time He can speak to me -I am the most vulnerable and open and broken) and I was so encouraged once again this is not about me. I remembered the dream I had to go visit sick kids in the hospital with cancer, and how ruined I would be. I thought it would be along time off, just like everything else in this journey-but it is the opposite. It is more like warp speed, if I have eyes to see it. I will go soon to visit Logan, he is 7 years old in sacramento hospital, he is so sick that they are coaxing him out of bed to get up by a popscicle, he was diagnosed last week with Briketts lymphoma, he is in stage 3 of 3, he is my childrens classmate from school in redding. He is doing chemo for 6 months there in sac. I am broken over Logan, I feel broken inside when I think about this child I know going thru that much pain. This is as real as it gets. I am doing a fund raiser at the school all next week for the family. Then I am remided when I was 20 and went to a conference in Reno, and I recieved a prophetic word how many younger sister's lives I would touch for Jesus. Out of all my 10 chemo friends 99 % are younger than me. They want Jesus, they want prayer, every week at chemo we pray. Some are stage 4 , most are walking down a harder path than me. This ministry , these people, this venue God has placed me in, going to chemo each week, is as real ministry as it gets. These people are desperate for God, when I say do you want to pray they jump out of their seats. They know they wont make it without God. Tomarrow night I will meet with one of my sister's best friends since high school, this woman has been thru alot, she is 35, and she has an untreatable breast cancer. She will do chemo just like me, but after that the docs dont know how to treat her type of cancer. She has a young son. I will hold her and tell her she can make it, she is paralized by fear of the future and chemo. I remember being there and I will just hold her and tell her she will be ok.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

2nd chemo

Well I am 3 weeks into my new chemo, Taxol, and it it better. I am still loosing weight and no appetite, but I am only down on chemo day, which is once a week. Then just tired for 3 more days, not really sick. So half the week I am starting to feel like a normal person, go to the gym, do real life. Then the other half of the week I do chemo, and am tired. I feel a deeper realization now about the cancer. At first I just was in shock, and then trauma from the surgeries. Then a little in shock from the hard chemo. I wanted to see the cancer as done on my last day of treatment, which will be
March sometime when I finish radiation. But now I feel like I have to change how I eat for life so that I don't have a reacurrance. Like diabetes, or a chronic disease, I have to change me so that I keep it at bay. So we have completely redone our grocery list, I am almost all vegetarian, eating beans, lentils, Bulgar, and fruits and veges. I will start juicing when I am able to drink the green stuff with out feeling nauseous. I have done alot of research and some interesting things that have proven so far as contributing factors have been the diabetic pregnancies, thyroid issues, and not eating so great. I didn't eat bad, I just ate American, now I eat Mediterranean.
Well each week I meet a new chemo friend and we talk and pray and it is incredible all the new chemo friends I am making, I really have a hard time keeping track of them all now. I would never have met so many interesting people if I were not on this journey. To that I can be thankful.