Thursday, October 29, 2009

gloomy day

Well, Cyndi has been doing OK with the once a week treatments of Taxol. It doesn't take as much time for her to bounce back, three days instead of eight but when she starts feeling right again it's time for treatment,yuck!.
My mother Donna fell last week and due to the amount of times she overcame hospital episodes (she made cats jealous) I thought she would be home in a couple days and we would laugh about it in some sort of morbid fashion. But not this time, I got the call on Tuesday that she was unresponsive and had hemorraging in her brain. My siblings and I had to make the awful decision of discontinuing the efforts of the doctors due to a prior request of my mom. I went to Reno on Wednesday to say goodbye with my son Micah. After visiting her late that night, Micah told me that all he remembers were good times we had with her and that when he thinks of her being sick that another good memory comes in and takes the place of the bad one.
That's how it is supposed to be isn't it?It doesn't take away from the anguish, but it helps.
We got the call at 7 am on Thursday, she had passed. Staying at my sisters house we had gotten up early so we could get down to the hospital and my sister knew what the call was about. When I arrived at the hospital, my step dad Keith was reading the bible aloud over my mother, tears streaming,barely getting the words out, it made me proud that he was her partner these last couple of years. It was difficult seeing my sisters in such pain, but I had a peace that is difficult to explain. I know she is in a better place,dancing,not needing hearing aids, singing and waiting for us.
Thank you Mom,for all the love you showed me and all the good memories. Your son,Boo

Thursday, October 1, 2009

cancer support group

Yesterday, I went to my first cancer support group, it was a huge shot of reality for me. Very hard, but good. I was of course the youngest person in there, feeling a bit discouraged by this when I first walked in, but leaving feeling greatful that I was also the healthiest and mad more days left on this earth than them. The tall beautiful black oncology nurse who lead the group I think was a warrior angel. She was one of the most wonderful person I have ever met, she kept preaching to enjoy every moment of like, embrase every second you have , live life to the fullest, each moment is a gift, and unless you have cancer , you dont always see life like that, so in a way it is a gift we have been entrusted with , to choose life and life abundantly. The people were so supportive and encouraging. I feel so much better this week, so much freedom, I am not afraid of cancer, I am overcoming it. (that is all God's doing) I wake up from night and naps, my mind trying to make peace with the chemo that I hate. I wake up having soothing thought of chemo-it is so awesome how God's presence is there to help us thru this process of hardship making the rough rocky road smooth. Everyday before chemo I have anxiety (of course) but also a supernatural excitement and strength to get thru this next day of chemo. Thank you God.

3rd chemo with God

Well the night before my last chemo, I asked all boys to pray for momma, Ashton recieved his heavenly prayer language, so all 3 were praying in the spirit for mom to be brave at chemo, that made my whole day. CHemo, Lalenna was with me and we talked to every woman who would listen to us, we prayed for everyone who would let us. We prayed for a lesbian woman who should not be alive today, stage 5+, Lalenna told her the reason she is still alive is Jesus wants her to know how much He loves her and we invited her to bethel healing room. I prayed for my precious sister Gina who was to have surgery next week, she got the pathology report back doc said it was the best possible report she could get!!!Praise God for listening to our prayers. We prayed for a woman who has M.S. and passed around my Akaine art book (for anyone who doesnt know about her, check out her website, she is a girl who draws about heaven and Jesus-it is truly miraculous) I got out of myself and was about others at club chemo, I had such a grace, the 4 hours went by like minutes and when we left you could tell Jesus showed up, everyone , even the nurses were happy and people's blood pressure was down!!!Wow thanks God for showing up at club chemo. It was the best. Next day Micah went with us to bethel and danced with Jesus, he got a word of knowledge for a pastor there, and we drew pictures of heaven and angels about mommy's bed at night to remind her that she is ok. I can see God's redemptive hand turning this tragedy into a spiritual blessing for my whole family. Eric is different, more kind, compassionate, serving others. Elijah is walking in HUge faith, knowing everything will be ok for mom. Micah is turning his sadness into creative drawing and dancing. Ashton prays everday for momma "God let momma have a great chemo, let her have a fun chemo." (hehe) Jacob is so full of love and joy, we just turn on the worship music and he dances. I am so greatful , I was only down 4 days this last time after chemo. Ist x was 8, 2nd x was 6, now 3rd x was 4 days, hopefully tomarrow when I go will be less. The doc gave me steroids to make it thru the first 4 hard days, and it really helped with nausea and the doc says it makes you manic, so I was trying to extreme clean my whole house, I was like the family dog, Eric kept saying to me , go lay down Cyndi, go lay down. Well tomarrow is #4 hard chemo, the last hard one-yayyaya, I am gonna have a party next week when I feel better. Then I get a 3 week break of normality, I will enjoy every moment of it, then 3 more months of once a week chemo, (this is supposed to be an easier chemo) , followed by 61/2 weeks of radiation (just tired), I will be done with treatments the end of Feb.