Warrior for God

I watched the wonderful movie, "Letters to God". about a young boy who has cancer, there is a part that the Grandpa tells him why,
"You are a warrior for God."
You have been chosen for the role of your lifetime.
You have been handpicked by God , you are the famous one,
because God has chosen you -the strongest, the wisest
to recieve the honor of being chosen as one of God's warriors.
Ride forth victoriously in truth, humility and righteousness.
Even though you are sick, when people see how strong and brave you are,
it makes them take a look at their own life.
There is a glorious truth,
God's truth, and it is our job to point them tword Him,
and if they turn to Him, they find the truth.
Wouldn't that be a wonderful victory?

My Machelle passed away last week, and by the grace of God, I was able to share with her a prayer of dependence upon Jesus before she passed, now she is at Jesus's feet, completely at peace and rest and healed.

"Jesus Culture" Song through this Journey

You wont relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours
I set you as a seal upon my Heart
And many waters can not quench this thirst
For there is love that is stronger than the grave

This is a Divine Romance
Jesus will not relent until He has more of me,
and I will not relent until I have more of Jesus

Come be the fire inside of me, Come be the flame upon my heart
Until You and I are one.

Worship Song -how God Loves Me

Stir the stagnet waters of my Soul
Merge me with Your River which brings me life
I dont have the words that will provoke You to want me any more than You do
Wont You Come Jesus
Come like You promised , Pour out Your Spirit
Overcome the darkness of my night
Jesus be the strength of my life
Reach in past my hiding, reach beyond my running
Flood my soul with Your Love
You love like a Father, You love like a Brother,
You love like a Lion, fierce like no other.
Violently chase me down to embrase me, Engulf me in who You are.

End Victory Cry to the Cancer Journey

I just wanted to publicly say "Thank you" to the most incredible man in the world.
He selfishly gave up everything this last year.
He gave without thinking of himself, all his days off, all his free time, all his ME time, all his every waking time.
He served me day in and day out.
Everyday he completely took over the home, he did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, while I watched from my sick couch laying.
He changed the 18 month of baby's diaper 10x a day, fed, held him, and mothered him, when his mom was too sick and tired to hold her baby.
He fathered, and mothered the 4 boys in the home, from morning to late at night, holding,talking to them straight in the eyes, loving them, when their mom was sick in bed for 6 months.
He then took care of his best friend, fixing whole meals, when she could only eat teaspoons of food a day, he held her, and gave her the 15 different meds a day, so she would not get violently ill from the deadly toxins the hospital called "Chemo"
He went to 99% of the 100 doctor visits, medical MRI's , 5 surgeries, watching his girl come out of surgery sicker than he had ever seen anyone before.
He went to 20 chemos at the hospital for 7 months
When his love lost her hair, he shaved his head to support her,
He told her everyday how beautiful she was with no hair, when she didn't even feel human.
He cried with her the hundreds of times she cried, as if he were crying for himself.
When she got her diagnosis eh cried out "God give it to ME, not her, I will take it, so she can live, and he really ment it.
He cried himself to sleep night after night, and grieved more than he ever had in his whole life for his bride, who lay at death's door.
He ment it when he said, "IN SICKNESS and IN HEALTH".
in our marraige vows,
He didn't just bolt when the going got tough.
He stood by my side,
He nursed me back to life again.
He held me as I cried myself to sleep night after night.
When I said, "I can not do this, I can not go on in chemo, I can not keep fighting cancer, I have nothing left in me to keep fighting this fight",
When I wanted to give up because I did not have the strength to keep going,
He was my greatest comforter and said, "Yes you can, Yes WE can."
He is my unsung hero of my life, because when I almost died this last year, and I had 10 people a day calling to see how I was doing, and sending me a card, and praying thousands of prayers for God to spare my life,
This hero had few asking , "How are you?", and "How are you standing?", while watching his best friend, closest companion for 25 years, the soulmate and love of his life , vanishing , wasting away before his eyes.
No one could ever understand the depth of my gratitude, I would not have made it without you,
My Eric, My Champion, My Prince Charming
who loved me when I was unlovable, when I had nothing to give back in return,
You kept giving, day after day, month after month, year after year.
To you and my God I owe it all, but in return all you ask is that I jsut be me, and just keep loving you, as you have never stopped loving me.

Speaking

I spoke at the Vinyard's Annual women's retreat at Shasta Lake in Sept.
It was incredible, I was so glad to share my story of hope and joy with the 40+ women,
when I got home and checked my email, I had another speaking engagement offered to share my journey through breast cancer at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at 1st Nazarene church in Redding. Wow- I didnt even have a chance to journal all I learned from the first one to now another one. Well I assume I will be speaking on this subject for quite a while, when ever the doors open wide, to share the glory and strength of Jesus to carry us through tragedy to the other side. It is October and every where I look I see "Think Pink" for breast cancer awareness month, last year going through chemo at this time, I just wanted to hide from all the cancer stuff everywhere I looked, this year I feel like a celebrity, Like , "Hey , I've been there, I've done that!!" I feel like SUPER WOMAN or WONDER WOMAN, like I did chemo I can do anything!!! I survived CHemo I can survive anything!!! So now I am a living walking testimony of the healing power of Jesus.
It is so hard to describe this last year, I am starting after 16 months starting to feel for the first time in a long time -somewhat NORMAL again, whatever normal is. It is a new normal, coming back from the dead.

last surgery

I had my last surgery on Aug 16, 2010, to remove my ovaries.
I kept trying to put off this surgery, and in June this year , I felt my body coming out of the menopause that the chemo had put me in. I contacted my oncologist, he didnt believe me that I was out of menopause, but the tests proved me right. Then I tried tomoxifin , a drug to shut down my ovaries, knowing that I only wanted to be on it for a few months with my new job , till after xmas so I could get my surgery done then. I lasted about 3 weeks on the meds, then had a crazy, dizzy headache that was unreal. I stopped the meds and all better, so I knew I was back to surgery and soon. I thank God and everyone's prayers the surgery went so well. I came out fightin and kicken tho like I usually do. Well now I am all better, but the overnight back into menopause really kicked in the insomnia, but it is getting better each week.

Well we have moved on to more important things, like our firstborn playing High school football, How is that possible? We are the proud parents in the stands, in amazement by the goodness of God on his life. We are so busy with 4 boys, and I am coming back to this world more and more each day.

I went to Jesus Culture conference in beginning of Aug. It was totally life changing, (check out their music if you havent heard of them, they were on the olympics and one of the top 10 I-tunes downloads in the world a while back) It is the most incredible worship music I have ever heard. The first night , during worship, I felt God take out of me all the emotional pain of going thru cancer, the second night I felt total freedom released on me, and the third night I felt such incredible joy , the JOY of my salvation. I cant explain that kind of joy, it is otherworldly, supernatural joy that is consuming. Now when I go back to my cancer treatment center , or revisit the testing center for another MRI, I dont feel any sadness about the cancer, it is completely gone. Only God can take away such pain and devastation. He is so GOOD.

I am excited for this weekend, Elijah's 15th birthday and Eric and I's 21st Wedding Anniversary, wow God is so faithful. Eric will take Ej to Reno for the air races for his birthday, to see all the Air Force aircraft, so he can dream about flying soon, and for our anniversary we are going to finally buy our tickets to go to Mexico (We couldnt go last year due to chemo) So we are hoping to go end of this year or beginning of next.
Then following weekend I will be a head speaker at our annual womens retreat for our church.
I will give glory to God for bringing me thru the valley of the shadow of death to the other side.I cant wait to be with my sisters there.

relay for life 2010

Oncologist Dr Figuroa

relay for life 2010

hair growing out

all my days of treatment

I cant believe my treatment is all over, and my hair is growing back, finally no one says "chemo hair"when I see them, what a year it has been,

it is almost my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis, It was so incredible walking the "Survivor Lap" at the relay for life June 12, 2010. I got to help hold the banner, newly diagnosed this year, survivors in front. My comrads and I (all 6 friends) held the banner, I cried my eyes out. I saw a dozen new sisters and friends that I had met throughout this last year, and we celebrated life and survivorhood all day. How blessed I have been to be able to meet all these incredible people, I never would have thought a year ago I would be wearing a survivor shirt and attending this relay. I just got word that my "Molinda" died the day after the relay of lukemia, I prayed for 5 other chemo friends just hours before they too passed away at the hospital (in the last 6 months), ending their years of fighting cancer. That hurts my heart more than words can say, to loose them in this fight, but I know they are in a better place with no more pain. I feel so much better now, my energy back. I am awaiting a shot to put me back into menopause, (I went into menopause from the chemo)I have since in the last 3 weeks came out of menopause, I could tell my hormones were kicking back on (the doc didnt believe me) so, since my cancer was hormone receptive, I can not have any hormones in my body, I will have my ovaries taken out end of summer, but for now I will just get a shot once a month. It is so nice to have hormones, I feel so much more normal. Well I will be a 41 yr old in a 55yr old body when they take my hormones away again. I have started a job working from home, and I am so busy I havent been on this blog for a while, I still meet with my chemo friends and every time I go for a check up at docs I meet more new cancer sisters. This will be my new life, but with a little bit more hair-thank God. I have walked in the valley of the shadow of death, and God has been with me, carring me thru to the other side to Life again.

Radiation

end of chemo party

Well I am half way thru radiation, and it is fine, so much better than chemo. Every week I feel more and more awake from the deadness of chemo. I feel so much better. I am meeting incredible women at radiation. My friend came up for my birthday weekend and we went to Bethel Healing rooms, they asked everyone who had cancer to come forward for prayer, we went forward and there was about 10 of us, we started laying hands and praying for each other, it was so incredible, women crying, children with canes, it was so amazing giving the healing away that I have recieved. At support group my new cancer mom, Sandy brought a cake, and the night before my birthday I invited all my chemo friends to my house for cake and ice cream. What an incredible journey I have been on this last year, so many wonderful cancer fighting sisters I have met. For my birthday, Lalenna and I went to the hospital and prayed for my friend Molinda, who has lukemia, hers is so rare that they are at the end of chemo and doing experimental from now on, we prayed for her, it was such a special gift on my birthday, I went out of there feeling very blessed that on my 41st birthday I was cancer free thanks to God, not like my sister in that hospital bed, my same age, who was fighting for her life, and I am right there with her.

I wamted to officially say "Hi" to my 2 new sisters that signed in on my blog-hello, I hope this blog encourages you on your own fight to keep keepin on in the strength of our Lord Jesus. My oldest son just got back from Texas, he raised his own money to go to a mission conference there, I was wishing I could go and see all my sisters who have left my church and started their own (and you think I am brave :) He said he loved every minute of it, I am so proud of him and the man he is becoming more each day, he is officially as tall as dad but his shoulders are higher than Eric's. I look into my 4 son's eyes and cannot believe God gave me such amazing boys, I have so much life to look forward to. Well I am enjoying my "brake" and then radiation comes next for 61/2 weeks, mon-fri. After that I will have surgery in May (hopefully after we have our postponed 20 year anniversary vacation to Cabo-thanks Wills) I will have my ovaries removed to continue to battle my breast cancer, since mine is hormone receptive, then I will take Arimadex for 5 years, as opposed to keeping my ovaries and taking tamoxifin for 15 years, Arimadex is a much safer drug I will not have to worry about side effects of tamoxifin like possible ovarian cancer-no thank you. Thank you for all your prayers and support to everyone out there. Love Cyndi

after port out

Well I awoke today thinking of a dream I had many years ago, in the dream I was in a long scary dark hallway that led to Africa, at the end of the hallway there was a standing closet, I turned on the light and there were presents everywhere on all the shelves. I knew these presents were waiting for me there in Africa, but I didnt know how all the gifts were going to get in me. I realized that the cancer journey has been just like that dark long scary hallway that I was too scared to walk down, and I didnt want to walk down, but at the end there were all these presents, I realized the presents were my chemo sisters, if I didnt walk down the cancer road I never would have met them. I am so blessed to meet them, they feel like my real sisters. Janelle, Brenda, Machelle, Lynnie, Renee, Molinda, Winnie, Sally, Barb, Gina, Jeanie. They are all precious gifts given to me on this incredibly difficult road I have walked.

last chemo

well this was last day of chemo, it was very emotional for me. I saw my Machelle, it really seems like a dream, not real.

Chapter Closed

Howdy all!Eric here, So here's the device all the poison was pumped thru into Cyndi. We actually tried to take it home as a trophy but the doc said it was biohazard. I am pretty sure that was bull as we have a two year old and truly know what biohazard is everytime we change a loaded diaper. Oh well,maybe thats how that hospital has turned around its profits,maybe they reuse them and charge for new ones,hmmm conspiracy anyone?kiddin

The day started off with cyndi whacked out super anxious (as always before any procedure) and with a dream I had about my mom that was so real that when I woke, just for a moment, I thought I'd give her a call. Then it hit me that she's gone. It was a great dialogue dream that I remember pretty well,we were sittin on the couch chatting about this and that,laughing,just me and my mom,strange huh? I hope there are more of those,it was kinda comforting.

Anyway, back to the 6 hour (25 minute procedure) hospital visit. The nurse got cyn all hooked up,iv'd (which hurt like hell cuz of her carpal tunnel that has been exacerbated by chemo) then a bit of anxiety medicene (none for me dang it) which relaxed her immensely. I have always hated the feeling that I get when they take her away and just leave me standing there and I had to do that again as well,never does it get easier. She was high as a kite when they brought her back which was ok with me, it's good for my weird sense of humor. She actually was craving a hamburger,which really threw me,she hasnt eaten a real burger in a really long time. I got her home,ice packed her up and she has been sleeping since, almost 14 hours, waking only for bites of food/water and bathroom breaks. Man she is really turning the page hard on that chapter,me too! I honestly dont know how much more I could do. You see cancer doesnt just get to the person who has it but it gets everyone around that person as well, one way or another. That flippin chemo regiment and the weight of death on your shoulders is heavy. The person you know turns into something/someone else with all that poison and it seems to last forever( it is goos to keep a calender for sure). But you know what,even thru all that she's made awesome new friends, friends that may not be around long,people who needed friends and genuinely wild and crazy friends.

I finally saw glimpses last week of the woman I know,the wife I love and the most amazing mom.Things that have been hit and miss for six months, I think she's finally coming back now. Finishing this chapter,turning this page (maybe slammin it down) and moving on. Let's go.I'm ready

nearing end of chemo

Well I am nearing the end of chemo, just finished my 2nd to last one, my Aunt Cathy came up with mom, and only one left.YAYAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I was so looking forward to being done, it has been such a journey to self discovery. I am not sure quite how to live after it is over, I have been living such an extraordinary life, now I will just live an ordinary life. That will be great and I will have 4 boys to continue to raise. But I was living life and death, now I will go on to just live life. I have learned so much, I hope I have learned all I was supposed to learn. I am amazed how the chemo started out scary and lonely, and ended up a wonderful experience each week, because I would do chemo with my sisters, Lynnie and Machelle. It was like a party, we would laugh, and cry and talk deep talks, God is so faithful that it started out so scary and lethal and ended up so life giving and joyous. Only Jesus can do that. Today was Lynnie's last chemo, and next week will be mine, the sad news is that for Machelle, she will never stop chemo. I will miss our thursdays at chemo, and I will miss seeing them each week, so I will go visit her and love and support her till the end.

No chemo

Well after my sissy came down for chemo last week, they had me all hooked up for chemo and gave me my 1 hour pre-meds, then I asked the nurse about my lab liver levels, which were high , she said stop the chemo, call the doctor, and I couldnt do chemo, so I went home and slept. I am not sure they will finish the last 3 chemo, because of my symptoms, so we will see, but my hair is starting to really grow back, I look like an ostridge with feathers. But I am so happy my hair is growing back-Cyndi